General information:
Did you know? BART is one of the largest, most expensive, and lowest quality rail services in North America.
BART was designed in the late 1960’s by a fourth-grade class of a school somewhere in the middle of Nebraska. The vast majority of the design work was completed while they were supposed to be learning about geodes.
The last BART train that arrived on time was back in 1988. This was, of course, due to an error in the electronic switching system. BART employees were immediately dispatched to physically block the fare gates, so as to prevent any of the passengers from arriving to work on time.
Riding BART:
To ensure that you arrive at your destination on time, try to get to the station at least three hours before your train is scheduled to show up.
In fact, it may be worthwhile to arrive a day early. Be sure to bring a sleeping bag! You’ll find that there are a lot of other people who also enjoy sleeping in and around the BART station, so you won’t be alone!
The best way to determine if BART is currently experiencing major delays is to check your calendar, your emails, your text messages, and the weather — you’ll have plenty of time to do all this because you’ll be waiting for your train, due to the major delay that BART is currently experiencing. The Earth turns, the sun rises, and BART is currently experiencing major delays.
The future of BART!
BART’s innovative new plan to improve the passengers’ experience is to remove 80% of all of the seats from their train cars. Future improvement will include removing the remaining seats, the windows, floors, and motors. These improvements will be accompanied by a modest 200% fare increase. Riders will be required to purchase their own rail cars. This will be followed by the creation of a modest 90.9% sales tax in counties serviced by BART. Riders will also be required to personally buy lunch for a BART employee. This will be followed by two fare increases at the same time.
In Conclusion:
Thank you for riding BART, and we hope you enjoy your trip… because if you do, that means you’re a masochist, and you should DM us sometime!
A Chilly Squid 